I haven't gained weight, so why am I dragging myself around?

So it's taken a few years but it finally set in. What? You ask? It's a little thing called DEPRESSION. I don't know where it came from, and I didn't really see it until last night when my friend Katie told me that I had been mean lately. Well now let's look back, shall we? It probably started about a month ago when I debated whether I was going to stay with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. She told me that some thing was wrong, and I didn't think that anything was. Last week, we broke up, and that was probably the start of the breakdown. Another thing that has been itching is the fact that the shop that I work at is friggin' dead. No one is coming in here, and it's saddening to think that, once again, another Phatman Skateshop will close it's doors. I am not saying that it will, and it probably won't, but the thought is there. I am doing everything in my power to save this place, but it seems that the boss doens't really want to listen. I don't blame his when he comes in and the whole day before we sold under $300 worth of stuff. I personally do so much stuff arounf this shop it's appaling:

1. I run the eBay store singlehandedly


2. I work here as a manager


3. I work at the flea market every weekend and have to be there at like 8-9 in the morning.


4. I have been working on a super in depth Phatman website that I can only hope will bring some people in the shop

So I do all this and get like one day off a week and I still have to hear that the store was a bit of a mess. Not, "Holy crap, you are saving me $1000 by doing this website yourself. Thanks for all your work." I mean, I'm not searching for compliments, but I would like a little bit of appreciation.


I think that's what's killing me the most. I have been working and doing everything that I can and it just seems that I am "just the computer guy" and nothing else. Now, today, less than a week before my 23rd birthday, I feel that I am dragging myself around like as if I was 16 and a misunderstood teenager that hates his parents but loves Korn. You think that you will outgrow the confusion that society hands us like it's a pair of pants, but you don't. You just have to find different places where it comes from and deal with it. I have learned alot of things from my time here, and I can tell you on thing right now.

Don't plan your life ahead of time.

It's like dominoes. Not the way the game is actually played, but they way that little kids play it. You have all these dreams and desires that you set up for yourself. I want to go to this school and marry this person and get this job in this state and with this company. I want this dog and live in this house and I want my hair to be this color. Well guess what? You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, friend. So now you've got all these dominoes set up and one thing falls through and it all falls right on your lap, conveniently so that you have no choice but to deal with all of it at the same time. It's quite powerful isn't it? The dreams that once were to make you happy now are making you sadder that you have ever been in your life. I'm not the kind of person to just complain about things like this and just say, "Eh, it'll figure itself out.", becuase then you will just have this snowball effect of things that you have to deal with.


I now have alot of time to deal with this. I moved to downtown Buffalo, NY and my roomate is out of town for the next 6 weeks. I will be lonley but will have tons of other friends living minutes (walking) from my house. I will not be bored. I'm taking care of the situation one day at a time, and without "professional help". Friends are better than the best psycologist will ever be. Friends know you better than any guy that charges you to sit in a chair for an hour a week. Next time you see your friends, give them $5 and tell them thanks for dealing with your crap all these years. 'nuff said.